Tag: love

Trust Me, You Are Amazing

Trust Me, You Are Amazing

I am more confident than I ever was. Admittedly, it would still be a stretch to say that I love myself – I still have a long way to come – but I no longer see myself as an irritation to others. I don’t worry that people find me annoying, that people don’t want me. Because I’ve realised two key things.

1. I am amazing and unique

Yes, I’m aware of how arrogant (and cliché) that sounds, but realistically, when it comes to self-love or even self-acceptance, a bit of arrogance is okay for everyone. And it’s not just me; everyone is amazing in their own way. Everyone has those things which make them sparkle, and their character shine through no matter how tough their outer shells are.

For a long time, I compared myself to other people. I looked around me and saw other people, with dozens of friends, interesting hobbies, gossip to share, knowledge of politics and the world to discuss. And then I looked at myself. I had few friends, few hobbies, and very little interest in detailed discussion of current affairs. So… what did I have to show for my worth? I didn’t have what other people had, so I assumed I had nothing… that I was nothing.

But recent events mean that I can now see that that’s not true, and these things make me someone who I should be proud of:

  • I love with all my heart. I would never abandon any of my friends if they needed me, no matter what. If you open your heart to me, I will feel your pain like my own and drop what I’m doing to hug you and cry with you if you want me to.
  • I would do anything I can to help you and make you happy. If you have a slight problem, I would do anything I could to fix it or scour the entire internet to find a solution, whether you ask me to or not. All I want is for my friends to be happy.
  • I forgive. I don’t hold grudges; anger doesn’t come naturally to me. If you did something bad to me, if you wanted me to forgive you, I would. I’m not petty. Why make us both unhappy? I just want us to be friends.
  • I don’t forget those I love. If I loved you once, I will love you forever. Even if we fall out of touch, if after years you come back to me and you need me, I would be there for you as though we’d talked every day, because I still love you. I don’t forget.
  • I’m a poet. Yeah, my poetry might not be all that great, but not many people have the courage to express their darkest secrets in verse and share it with the world.
  • I can get passionate about anything. A character in a book, a moment in history, a particular figure, if you wanted a debate I would debate with you about anything and get very passionate about it. (Oh, and I’d win, of course.)
  • I trust. If you prove to me that you’re worth it, I would let you in entirely. I would tell you everything, so that you could know me completely. I wouldn’t hide anything from you or lie to you, because you are important to me and I value you. Don’t misuse my trust.
  • I would never let you down. Enough said.

This may not seem like much to you, but for the past year I looked inside myself and found nothing. I found nothing about myself that was worth sharing, nothing that made me worthy of having friends, of having people who cared about me. But the last few weeks, I have been finding myself again, and this is what I have found. I know that there’s a lot more to find, though, and as cliché as it may sound I’m looking forward to future challenges which reveal to me and to the world who I really am.

2. If anyone treats me less than I deserve, they don’t deserve me

I hope that you’ve come to see now that the thing that I am most proud of when I look inside myself is my kind heart. I am not horrible. I’m not perfect, no, but no one is. Occasionally I get overwhelmed and I might say something I don’t mean. I will apologise profusely, do anything I can to make it right, and hope that you will forgive me. But if you can’t forgive me for an accident, you clearly don’t value me the way that I value you. If one moment of recklessness outweighs everything you liked about me, I clearly didn’t mean enough to you.

If you don’t value me, then you deserve my unreserved love.

As much as I want to, I can’t give my love out for free, because I will only get pain in return.

 

So, when you look inside yourself, what do you see that you love the most?

Only Love

I don’t forgive you but I still love you,
It’s only that love that I want to give you,
I won’t hurt you, or abandon you,
I’ll always be there for you,
Do anything for you.
It seems you just don’t want me to.
I have scars on my soul because of you.
You hurt me so much but what hurts me still
Is that you won’t let me talk to you.
I have so much love in my heart to give you,
To give everyone.
But no one wants me to.
I would do anything for any of you,
If you were sad I would cry with you.
I’d feel your pain as though it were my own,
And I would hold you in my arms as long as you wanted me to.
Why won’t you let me?

I don’t have room for hate in my heart,
I try but despite everything I just can’t hate you.
Some part of me does, that’s true.
But the moment you say you’re ready
I will throw that part away all for you,
But you never will, will you?

Regret

Regret is a terrible feeling.

You’ve done what you’ve done and you can’t change it for anything. But you desperately wish that you could.

You wonder why you even did it, why you were so stupid. With the light of hindsight shining on that moment, you know what you should have done, or rather what you shouldn’t have done, and it seems so obvious. Why couldn’t you see?

What would have happened if you’d done the right thing? Would life be so much simpler now? Would the tears rolling down your cheeks cease to exist?

In your mind you see a different present, a different future, altered by that key moment. One different decision; a very different outcome. That reality is so close, so similar but so unattainable because you can’t go back and do it again.

Regret can be crippling, and guilt often accompanies it. You might see yourself differently for the way you behaved, that thing you might have said or did but didn’t mean. Why did you do it? What did you think it would achieve? How can I take it back?

Regret is awful. And futile.

I regret the things I said to my ex-boyfriend after I broke up; I feel deep guilt about them (see my post about that here). Remembering those words I said make me question who I really am. I’ve always wanted to be known as that nice girl, the one who’s really kind and helpful and would never be mean to anyone, and now I’ve proved that I’m not the person I want to be and to some extent thought I was. I don’t know why I thought it was okay to say what I said, or what I thought it would achieve. I wish I hadn’t said it, because then I wouldn’t be constantly worried about how much he dislikes me, what he thinks of me.

But life would not be perfect even if I hadn’t had said them. We would still be broken up, and we still would need a break from each other. He may not dislike me as much as he does now, but he still wouldn’t love me or care for me in the way I wanted him to. I have apologised for what I said, but I cannot change it. I regret it, yes, but that destructive conversation was not the only thing which drove us apart.

You may think that that one thing you regret is the reason for your suffering, but the present is shaped by countless different things. Changing one single thing will not change the future.

It’s easier said than done, but whatever you did, learn from your regret, and do not repeat that mistake, but do not grieve what would most likely have not happened anyway. Do not grieve an idealised vision of reality, because reality is never ideal.

And most importantly, you are who you are. Those who can’t deal with that aren’t worth your time.

 

Untitled Poem

I was nothing,
Unwanted,
Unneeded,
Unnecessary,
Unworthy.

Drowning in misery,
A pit of shame,
My river of sorrow.
Drowning on my own.
And I welcomed it.
Alone.

Soul crying, weeping,
Reaching out for you.
I needed you.
But you weren’t there.
I was empty,
Meaningless.
Where are you?

But I am not alone.
I am not yours to own.
I have hearts which will reach back to mine with open arms
When I want them most.
Waiting for me,
Caring for me.
The way you don’t.

And so now I know
That next time my heart is breaking itself
And I am drowning in my own tears,
That pit of shame,
That river of sorrow,
I won’t be crying out for
Someone who won’t
Be there to listen.

Stretching Elastic

I pull away from you, pulling, pulling, further. Away. The bond between us, connecting you and I, the one that will always be there, that cannot be erased, tightens. Pulls me back. It doesn’t want us to be apart.

Those memories keep us together. We will always be together, in those memories, at least. And as I try to pull away, they get stronger and stronger, tighter, tauter, like stretching elastic.

I am further away from you. I think about you less and less. I have other people who do want me, who I can talk to, who I can see. Time is passing, and I am healing, moving on from you.

But as I need you less and less, I want you more and more.

That bond is reaching its breaking point. If I keep pulling, it will either snap, and I will be free of you, or I will be sent flying back to you.

Let me in.

Make it so I can stop pulling. So we can be close, but not too close. So that our pain will heal, but our happiness remain.

This elastic doesn’t have to break. We don’t have to be broken.

Let me in.

Guilt

I am ridden with guilt and longing.

The breakup between my boyfriend and I got quite messy quite quickly. It’s my fault.

The breakup seemed to come out of nowhere – or rather, to me, it did come out of nowhere – and I just couldn’t understand that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. We both wanted to try to still be friends, but he wanted a break first. But I didn’t understand. I couldn’t comprehend that he was now not my boyfriend, that he would be just the same as everyone else to me, and that I would just be one of his many friends. We would have memories, of course, but the future between us was no different to anyone else. Having been so close the months we were together, with him becoming my closest confident, someone I felt no shame with, who I could open up to completely, who I had nothing to hide with, the idea of suddenly, out of the blue, not talking to him at all was something that my mind could just not cope with.

So I pushed him to talk to me, have little conversations over text, silly little chats which meant nothing but, to me, meant everything. Because it was him. Even if I couldn’t kiss him, stroke his hair, hold my hand against his cheek and stare into his amazing blue eyes – with little golden bands around the pupils which shone in the sunlight, making them so unique, so magical, so him – I thought that I didn’t care because he would still be there for me.

But after talking for a while, I realised that I had been lying to myself the last few days. I still wanted him. I wasn’t okay with breaking up. I needed him.

Continue reading “Guilt”

Just Friends

I long for the day when this heaviness will lift
When the pain will shift
Into happiness, into freedom, into joy.
When we can be friends, just friends,
And when we care for each other again,
And let the hatred and anger fly free.

Am I being naïve?
Maybe it will never leave.
Maybe I am dead to you and
Maybe one day you will be dead to me.
Maybe you’re right and we shouldn’t try,
Because I know that at times it will make us cry.
But I love you, and I need you,
As a friend, I now see.
I love you.
As a friend.
But do you love me?