Are We Still Friends?

I don’t know if I was ever yours, but you used to be my best friend. You were the only person I could really be myself with, someone who understood parts of who I am when others could not because they were part of you too.

But now? You barely text me. If it weren’t for me, we probably wouldn’t talk at all. I know that when we’re both at university we don’t really talk. Yes, at the beginning of the summer you would text me to hang out quite a lot,  and that made me so happy. I felt wanted, needed even. But now it feels like we’re drifting apart, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if that’s what you want. Is it?

It feels like we don’t have as much in common anymore. We can’t complain about our subjects together anymore, or the stress we’re under, or all the work we have to do. We can’t talk about TV shows that aren’t on air anymore, or teachers that we no longer have. We can’t debate things we learn about because we learn different things. So what do we have? What do you want to talk about?

Friends fall out of touch, I know they do. That’s life. But I don’t want to be alone. You have all your other friends, your huge group chat, all your uni friends who you are so happy with, and I have nothing, and no one. Just my misery for company aside from you. I have a few people, here and there, yes. But we could be so great together, like best friends again. But I can’t see how you could want that too if you don’t ever talk to me.

So I just have to ask you this. Do you still want to be friends? Do I mean anything to you? Because at this point, I’m just not sure.

Making New Friends!

A massive thank you to Abby for such a lovely post!! 🙂 ❤ ❤

My Introverted Life

When I made this blog, I had absolutely no idea that my writing would be read by people around the world. After that idea passed out of my mind, I had no idea that people on the other side of the world would want to read what I have to write, let alone want to get to know me. I was wrong… Again. 

I met this amazing girl who lives on the other side of the world. Now, before I get attacked by people yes I know the phrase “Be careful of people on the internet because you don’t know who they are.”  But I don’t think some creepy sex offender rapist person is going to have a blog and want to become a writer just to find children on a blog. (It’s probably possible but I know what I’m doing.) 

Anyways, this girl. She’s amazing. She lives in the…

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Life of an Introvert…ed Extrovert?

The name of my blog defines me as an introvert and for a long time, essentially since I learnt what the word meant, I have aligned myself with that word and all that comes with it. But yesterday, as I longed for friends and people to socialise with, felt lonely in my own company, I started to wonder if I could truthfully call myself an introvert.

I guess it depends on how you define an introvert. To me, an introvert is someone who is shy – tick – and quiet – tick – with only a few friends – tick – and is happy with their own company – erm…

The fact is, contrary to what I used to think, I like being with people. When I’m alone, when no one texts me, when I begin to wonder if anyone actually cares about me, I feel lonely. I am no longer happy with my own company. I can’t just settle down with a book and read for hours on end without the need to check my phone in the hope that someone needs something from me (the only reason that some people text me). I need people. I want more than I realised to be the kind of person who doesn’t have a problem with talking to more than two people at a time, and I know that that person is inside me, clawing to get out. Once, I got so passionate in my A Level English class that I essentially shouted at the teacher in front of the whole class about how Heathcliff is so terrible and that it’s not fair to blame Macbeth for Duncan’s murder. That person didn’t care that there were 15 pairs of eyes and ears all focused on me, and someone who didn’t know me might take that moment and even call me an extrovert.

And so, I guess, maybe calling myself an introvert isn’t entirely accurate. There are certainly extroverted parts of me, parts of me that crave attention and want to be let loose. But the deathly shy side of me, who is deeply embarrassed by any attention and will replay moments that aren’t even that embarrassing over and over in my head until it drives me even further into my shell, is in control.

So I guess I’m an introverted extrovert: I want to socialise, but I just can’t.

A Much Needed New Friend

A couple of weeks ago, I woke up one morning, looked at my phone and saw that I had like a billion notifications from WordPress. As I scrolled through them, I noticed that most of them were all from a single person: myintrovertedlife19.

She had gone through almost my whole blog, liked my posts and commented so much support, telling me that she was there for me and how we are so similar. As time went on, her kindness continued and we found so many different similarities between us!

For one, we’re both introverts (as proven by the names of our blogs: Life of an Introvert, and My Introverted Life). We’re both very kind people, who give our hearts entirely to people who then tend to break them. We both have food intolerances/allergies. We even both play the clarinet! And, of course, we’re both bloggers.

I haven’t been friends with her long, but already Abby has been there for me when I needed someone to talk to, offered me advice, and doesn’t hesitate to open up to me and message me for a chat, which is more than I can say for a lot of my friends at home. And so, even though we live so far away from each, I already know that Abby will become a good friend of mine, and someone who will be there for me when others are not.

She writes a great blog, giving insights into her life and mindset and things which I’m sure fellow introverts will be interested in. So go follow her blog! (Link at the bottom of the post.) And maybe you’ll make a great friend like I have as well.

Anyway, this post is a collaboration with Abby; I’m going to give you ten random facts about her, and she’ll post ten random facts about me. So, without further ado, here are some random facts about Abby for you to enjoy:

  1. She’s allergic to beef and pork – so she’s basically a vegetarian, but not out of choice
  2. She loves gymnastics! She’s going to post a video of a collection of clips from her at a trampoline park soon which I’m looking forward to!
  3. She’s addicted to coffee and cool ranch Doritos
  4. She’s been blogging since April
  5. She once got a kickstand from a bike stuck in her leg (ouchhh!!) and apparently the scar is pretty awesome
  6. She has a baby face (same…) and looks about 15 when she’s actually 19
  7. Spongebob is her favourite show (see above fact which says that she’s 19…)
  8. She’s been in a relationship for almost 2 years
  9. She weighs only 98 pounds
  10. She has an obsession with Bath & Body Works (so I guess a bonus fact is that she probably smells nice)

 

So there you are! Go meet the wonderful person that is Abby at My Introverted Life 🙂

What’s Your Favourite Classic Novel?

I’m sure you know the awkward stage I’m in. I’ve just finished my book, I want to keep reading, but I don’t know what to read!

Starting a book is like when you first get into a relationship. You like the idea of them, but you don’t really know them, so you don’t know if you’ll like the reality, and you’re scared that you will commit so much of your time for it just to end badly.

There should so be something like match.com for avid readers!

But until then, I thought I’d ask you wonderful bloggers what your favourite classic novel is!

Mine has to be ‘Wuthering Heights’. I love the raw, passionate emotions and the complexity of the characters within it; it’s just beautiful in its own way.

These are the ones I’ve read:

  • ‘Wuthering Heights’
  • ‘Jane Eyre’
  • ‘Pride and Prejudice’
  • ‘The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde’
  • ‘Animal Farm’
  • ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’
  • ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’
  • ‘Lord of the Flies’
  • ‘The Great Gatsby’

What are your favourites?

The Story of How I Became Shy

The Story of How I Became Shy

In primary school, I had this friend. I’ll call her Heather.

I never had any doubt that Heather and I were best friends. We met in pre-school, and became friends quickly and stayed that way throughout primary school; I don’t even remember not being best friends. As far as I can remember, she was just always there. It’s as if she always was.

I had other friends, of course, but there was never any challenge to her. We were so similar; weird in the same way, quiet in the same way, but also loud in the same way. I couldn’t imagine life without her. We were also close with another girl who we met later, Myrtle. She was my second best friend, if you like. Between them, I had all the friendship I needed. I didn’t really pay that much attention to other people because I didn’t need them. I had Heather and Myrtle.

When we moved up to secondary school, we stayed close, particularly Heather and I. It was the same as primary school; I made other friends, I talked to other people in class, but she was by far my closest friend, followed again by Myrtle. Almost 2,000 people in the school, but I needed no one else. We were best friends forever.

And then, suddenly, I didn’t have her.

I remember when I was told. It was April in Year 7, I was having a bath, my mum knocked on the bathroom door and came in. She told me that Heather’s family had managed to sell their house. I’d known that they were trying, but with the housing market as bad as it was I’d just never really believed that they would actually manage it.

And so… she moved away. 400 miles away, to Scotland.

It would have crushed me to lose her at school. But at least I had Myrtle, right? … until she also moved away, to Greece. A month after Heather left.

And then I was alone.

Thus, I started Year 8 with no real friends, no one I felt close to, or comfortable with. I’d given my heart entirely to my closest friends, because I had only needed them. And in their wake they left nothing.

Everyone else had spent Year 7 forming extensive, close and seemingly exclusive friendship groups, and after a year of barely talking to them I didn’t feel welcome. So, for the first year or so, I largely spent my break and lunch alone, trying to avoid older students who might try to make fun of me for being a loner. When I saw people I knew, I wanted so badly to join them, eat with them, laugh with them… but they all knew each other and I didn’t really know them. I didn’t know what they liked, or what made them laugh, or what to say at all… what could I offer them? I felt that if I joined them, I would be an outsider, a nuisance. They were happy without me, I thought, I didn’t have anything to offer them. They didn’t want me. I would just be annoying to them.

It took me a long time to become fully incorporated in a new group of friends. But even so, that feeling never went away. No matter who it was, I always felt that whenever I opened my mouth, they would think I was annoying, an irritation, someone they wished wasn’t there. It began to extend not just to friends, but to teachers, shop assistants, family members. Everyone.

And so I learned to not speak at all. Pretend like I didn’t exist, because I thought that that’s what other people wanted. Any personality I had had with Heather and Myrtle was buried deep beneath an exterior of shyness so that I would not be noticed. And so, I became shy.

After a few years, my shy exterior eventually began to crack. I became loud, argumentative (in a good way) in English classes. I debated with my new best friend in such a loud voice that it’s hard to believe that no one noticed. I had extensive conversations with my history teachers, giving them intellectual thought beyond school work that I knew they could appreciate.

Slowly, slowly, I came back out of my shell. But those insecurities still crippled me, forbade me from making many friends when I came to university. They kept me lonely, dependent on just a few people who I trusted. They kept me weak.

But no more.

Trust Me, You Are Amazing

Trust Me, You Are Amazing

I am more confident than I ever was. Admittedly, it would still be a stretch to say that I love myself – I still have a long way to come – but I no longer see myself as an irritation to others. I don’t worry that people find me annoying, that people don’t want me. Because I’ve realised two key things.

1. I am amazing and unique

Yes, I’m aware of how arrogant (and cliché) that sounds, but realistically, when it comes to self-love or even self-acceptance, a bit of arrogance is okay for everyone. And it’s not just me; everyone is amazing in their own way. Everyone has those things which make them sparkle, and their character shine through no matter how tough their outer shells are.

For a long time, I compared myself to other people. I looked around me and saw other people, with dozens of friends, interesting hobbies, gossip to share, knowledge of politics and the world to discuss. And then I looked at myself. I had few friends, few hobbies, and very little interest in detailed discussion of current affairs. So… what did I have to show for my worth? I didn’t have what other people had, so I assumed I had nothing… that I was nothing.

But recent events mean that I can now see that that’s not true, and these things make me someone who I should be proud of:

  • I love with all my heart. I would never abandon any of my friends if they needed me, no matter what. If you open your heart to me, I will feel your pain like my own and drop what I’m doing to hug you and cry with you if you want me to.
  • I would do anything I can to help you and make you happy. If you have a slight problem, I would do anything I could to fix it or scour the entire internet to find a solution, whether you ask me to or not. All I want is for my friends to be happy.
  • I forgive. I don’t hold grudges; anger doesn’t come naturally to me. If you did something bad to me, if you wanted me to forgive you, I would. I’m not petty. Why make us both unhappy? I just want us to be friends.
  • I don’t forget those I love. If I loved you once, I will love you forever. Even if we fall out of touch, if after years you come back to me and you need me, I would be there for you as though we’d talked every day, because I still love you. I don’t forget.
  • I’m a poet. Yeah, my poetry might not be all that great, but not many people have the courage to express their darkest secrets in verse and share it with the world.
  • I can get passionate about anything. A character in a book, a moment in history, a particular figure, if you wanted a debate I would debate with you about anything and get very passionate about it. (Oh, and I’d win, of course.)
  • I trust. If you prove to me that you’re worth it, I would let you in entirely. I would tell you everything, so that you could know me completely. I wouldn’t hide anything from you or lie to you, because you are important to me and I value you. Don’t misuse my trust.
  • I would never let you down. Enough said.

This may not seem like much to you, but for the past year I looked inside myself and found nothing. I found nothing about myself that was worth sharing, nothing that made me worthy of having friends, of having people who cared about me. But the last few weeks, I have been finding myself again, and this is what I have found. I know that there’s a lot more to find, though, and as cliché as it may sound I’m looking forward to future challenges which reveal to me and to the world who I really am.

2. If anyone treats me less than I deserve, they don’t deserve me

I hope that you’ve come to see now that the thing that I am most proud of when I look inside myself is my kind heart. I am not horrible. I’m not perfect, no, but no one is. Occasionally I get overwhelmed and I might say something I don’t mean. I will apologise profusely, do anything I can to make it right, and hope that you will forgive me. But if you can’t forgive me for an accident, you clearly don’t value me the way that I value you. If one moment of recklessness outweighs everything you liked about me, I clearly didn’t mean enough to you.

If you don’t value me, then you deserve my unreserved love.

As much as I want to, I can’t give my love out for free, because I will only get pain in return.

 

So, when you look inside yourself, what do you see that you love the most?